When the Balls Drop($19.99Value)

Description

A refreshingly candid and wickedly funny look at life’s second half from Everybody Loves Raymond TV sitcom star and three-time Emmy Award–winning comic Brad Garrett. In this no-holds-barred book of comedic and personal essays, Brad Garrett divulges his hilarious—and irreverently honest—experiences with the many challenges and ultimately joys of middle age, as he advises us on how to best navigate the dreaded “second half” of life. Ranging in topics from genetics to genitals, sex to stereotypes, and alimony to addiction, Brad leaves no stone unturned in this raw, laugh-out-loud look at getting older. With pieces such as “No Scales in Heaven,” in which Brad points out the essential pointlessness of overthinking diet and exercise, and “Celebrating Your E.D. (erectile dysfunction) During Your Mid-Life Crisis,” the star comedian encourages you to forget the overwhelming concerns that accompany middle age and to welcome the laughs—even if you throw your back out doing it. Penned in the blunt, conversational, no-nonsense style that has cemented Brad’s status as an icon in the comedy industry, this autobiographical book will help you accept that, no matter what, we all get old. So you might as well embrace it. “Dear Brad, I just read the book. If you were this funny on the show we coulda done another year. What the fuck? Seriously though, everyone should buy Brad’s book. It’s a win-win. You’ll relate, you’ll laugh, and if he does well as a writer he’ll give up television." -- Ray Romano “Little does Brad Garrett know but his balls never dropped. He had none to begin with. This is not a ‘mid-life’ memoir, this is a ‘life-support’ memoir. Do us all a favor and pull the plug.” -- Kevin Nealon “Of all the balls in all the nut sacks in all the world, Brad Garrett’s are the last pair I’d want to think about. But not unlike most of his dates, Brad has forced them on us. So before this winds up in the Costco remainder bin, be the first and only on your block to buy a copy. He’s just a sex tape and an appearance on Dancing With The Stars away from reviving his career.” -- Nathan Lane "Garrett is a naturally funny writer...readers will laugh. A laugh a lot." -- --Michael Ian Black in a New York Times Book Review Lifelong stand-up comic and writer Brad Garrett began performing comedy in the 1980s and appearing on film and television. He landed the part of Robert Barone on the iconic TV show Everybody Loves Raymond (CBS) in 1996, eventually winning three Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series throughout the show’s nine-season run. After the show ended in 2005, Brad went on to appear on Broadway in Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple , and has opened his own successful comedy club at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, where he performs several times monthly. Brad is also an accomplished voice actor, with parts in major feature films such as Finding Nemo and Ratatouille . When the Balls Drop 1 I Was a Ten-Pound Preemie As stated earlier, I am a pessimistic optimist, or what I like to call a “pissed-omist.” This is a person who has lived long enough to know not to expect much from most people or life in general, but still allows him- or herself the hope that somewhere under all the horseshit there may possibly be a pony. As you’ll see, there were many factors that influenced the theories, neuroses, and occasional lunacy that inspired this book, and I feel you deserve the inside track. Therefore, please bear with me as I give you a bit of insight into my life to improve your understanding of how I arrived at this particular mentality. I was born Brad H. Gerstenfeld on April 14, 1960, to Alvin from the Bronx, New York, and Barbara from Bellingham, Washington. I tipped the scales at nine pounds, eleven ounces. My dad never knew what the H in my name stood for, and my mother didn’t tell me until I was twenty that it stood for Harry, after her favorite uncle. The birth certificate just says “H.” If she was that embarrassed about the name, why the hell would she give it to me? Spell it out or pick another. “I was such a large sperm, my mother went into labor during conception.” I wrote that joke when I was fifteen, which made sense considering my mother used to tell total strangers, “He was so huge at birth that the doctors wanted to break my pelvis or Brad’s shoulders in order to get him out of me, but I insisted they just use the tongs.” (She had trouble remembering the word “forceps.”) To this day I don’t know if that tool was actually used or not, but there are two tiny indentations on my skull that fill up with water when I sweat. Every man’s life (and a portion of my stand-up) revolves around the mystery that is his penis. In reality, without one, none of us would exist, so it deserves exploring. Let me start by saying that mine has never been right. Unfortunately, I think it all began with the rabbi, who must have had some resentment toward my family that he indirectly took out on me. My paranoia kno